I spend a lot of time debunking the bullshit surrounding k-pop and helping people to see the reality behind the curtain of fairy floss, but what I haven’t ever really done is helped anyone deal with the emotional fallout from having those rose-coloured glasses taken off.  I also don’t want to be blamed for a spate of fangirl suicides so I feel that it’s time that I stepped up to the plate with some assistance.  Help for you deludus is here, Kpopalypse style!

Imagine being a fangirl* living in a dreamworld and discovering some of my writing, or perhaps someone else’s writing on a blogsite like Anti Kpop-Fangirl or Asian Junkie, or maybe just stumbling across some other factlet out there that doesn’t please your fangirly predilections.  You’re driven by a sense of righteous indignation – “this can’t be happening to your fave!” your friends say, so damned if you’re not going to go straight to the comments section to stick up for your precious bias.  Once you arrive, you start checking out the content and something very unexpected happens – some of what you’re seeing actually makes sense.  Cogs inside your mind start turning – uh oh.  How is your fragile fangirl psyche going to cope with these new revelations?  Could medical intervention be the only solution?

Sadly it’s not that simple.  The stripping away of fangirl delusion is a loss, and losing a psychological crutch can (depending on severity) be just as painful as any other type of loss, and involves grief.  It’s said by psychologists that grieving happens over seven stages, and helping to understand these seven stages may assist recovering fangirls to expedite the healing process.  Let’s look at each stage in turn so we can better understand the impact and emotional fallout from finding out that Seungri spunks on Japanese’s girls’ tits or whatever the problem is with hormonal fangirls this week.

1.  DENIAL and DISBELIEF

When confronted with facts that you may not be ready for as a fan, disbelief cushions the initial impact, allowing you to absorb the new revelations gradually rather than all at once.  See the following comments from when a (legitimate) rough demo of EXO’s “Wolf” was leaked:

A layer of doubt softens the blow while your brain absorbs the shock and adjusts to the new information.  These people could have experienced serious psychological fallout from EXO’s atrocious “Wolf” without the layer of protection that denial provided.

2.  PAIN and ANGUISH

Once the initial shock wears off, pain sinks in as the truth hits home.  Here’s a comment on the video “Quit Playing” by U-KISS, which cast the boys in a much more sexualised light than their fandom was used to:

The pain experienced here is palpable.  Sorry honey, but your precious angels have money to make so they’re doing what’s necessary.  Diablo 3′s new expansion pack won’t pay for itself, you know.

3.  ANGER

Frustration at inability to change the situation at hand may cause you to lash out in anger.  See the following response to an Anti K-pop Fangirl article that used new information to cast Taeyeon’s cleavage in a disturbing new light:

Sones didn’t like the Taeyeon cleavage, and powerless to change the situation, they directed their frustrations outward at the perceived “enemy” – the bloggers and GIF posters highlighting the issue.  Their rage blinded them to the fact that those making inquiry into Taeyeon’s “pearly volume” were not idle haters casting dispersions on their bias, but scientific truth-seekers attempting to save humanity from the cleavage portal of darkness.

4.  BARGAINING WITH A HIGHER POWER

Enterprising fangirls may try to bargain with those that they perceive to be in control of the situation for a way out.  From the same post as step 3:

Sones tried to start a cyber campaign against deity-like HQ GIF provider fiddle.se to remove the Taeyeon cleavage but even if it were successful it wouldn’t have helped change the truth.  Information, like Taeyeon’s boobies, wants to be free.

5.  GUILT and FRUSTRATION

Without an effective outlet, anger turns inward, firstly in the form of guilt.  People coming to terms with a delusion being shattered may ask themselves “Was there anything I could have done?  Is it somehow my fault?”

Yes it probably is, for being such a fucking deludu in the first place (you dumb whore).  However it’s never too late to get onto the path to redemption and rational thinking.  Let’s hope this random netizen makes it through all the grief stages!

6.  DEPRESSION

Anger eventually completely settles into depression.  Fangirls may become listless, lose interest in their favourite idols and usual fangirly activities, and succumb to lethargy while crying and ripping up Baekhyun posters.  Someone asked me this today:

Like 95% of the questions that come through my ask.fm it’s not even an actual fucking question, but whatever.  Actually I like to think I’ve enhanced her life, she’s already jumped straight through to stage 6!  Sure it sucks to be her right now but it’s all uphill from here, baby!  Just don’t lose patience because depression can be the longest stage of the process, depending on the extremity of the loss.

7.  HOPE

Eventually depression subsides and you learn to accept and deal with reality.  You can never go back to the way you were before you tragically found out about how shit really was, but there is hope for the future!  After all, tomorrow is another day!

If on the other hand it’s someone you personally know who is affected with irrational fangirl stupid disease, knowing is forewarning, and being forewarned is being forearmed.  Now that you know about these seven stages, it won’t be long before you can act and respond to crazy fangirls appropriately!

*  Or a fanboy.  I could have written “fangirl/fanboy” instead of just “fangirl” every time I used it in this post, but being politically correct is just too much fucking typing and it looks messy.  Every fanboy is a fangirl in spirit anyway.

In my eternal quest to shut up those people asking me to review shit all the time, here’s a review… of a book.  Unlike song reviews, I figure that a book review might actually be vaguely useful to some of you.  Sure, reviewing the latest written-while-taking-a-shit song from SM or YG might be good for web traffic and ego-stroking but what’s the point of me throwing down my worthless, annoying opinion on a song when you can just go to YouTube, listen to it yourself and make up your own mind?  On the other hand, books are less of a try-before-you-buy proposition so you might actually want to know a bit about what’s in these fucks before you buy them, so in my mission to get k-pop fans to occasionally put down their iMaxipads and read a fucking book (those things with the pages, you’ve seen them, right?) I now bring to you this review.  Please enjoy it.  Or not.

Kpop Now – The Korean Music Revolution

Author: Mark James Russell

Tuttle Publishing, 128 pages, softback, 254mm x 191mm, colour

ISBN: 978-4-8053-1300-8

RRP: US $15:95 – AUS $17.99

Amazon link so the author doesn’t hate me for this negative snarky review and can still make a buck

I told myself quite firmly that I wasn’t going to buy this book when I first heard about it, because I read a particularly shitty review of it on Beyond Hallyu before it came out which seemed fairly legit, but then it turned up in my local bookstore so I thought “fuck it, I like to make up my own mind about shit anyway” and I figured you guys could use the entertainment so here it is.

The first thing I noticed about this book when I picked it up is the picture of f(x) in the bottom right corner of the front page – taken from f(x)’s “Rum Pum Pum Pum” promotions, it means that this book is less than a year old (late 2013).  This is relevant because any book about k-pop is obviously fighting a battle of cultural relevancy as soon as it appears – the genre is just beyond its first major quality peak, and moving and developing so fast right now that anything written about it in printed format is going to be out of date almost the minute it leaves the printing press.  The story of k-pop is a story that is very much still being written, and for the same reason that nobody could have ever penned the definitive book about heavy metal or rap in 1990, we’ll have to wait at least two decades before the definitive text of k-pop history and development appears.  In the meantime, we’ll have to make do with fairly lightweight snapshots, which is basically what this book is, and that’s not really the fault of the author – a snapshot is all that this can be, by definition.  “K-pop Now” is therefore light on text, heavy on pictures, and someone reasonably literate will plow through it all in about an hour.

The book splits itself into several small chapters, here’s what they contain:

Introduction: The State of K-pop

Some general musings about the current state of play in k-pop.  H.O.T. and S.E.S. are mentioned along with newer acts, the increasing amount of debuts, PSY (of course), online polling, the overseas activities of various groups and even the k-pop writing of Popdust rates a mention – but not Allkpop.  Feel the burn, all those people on Allkpop who thought my interview with Popdust’s k-pop contributor Jacques wasn’t “relevant”.

Chapter 1: The Land Of K-pop

A boring tourist-focused travelogue style chapter which no k-pop fan will be able to read without their eyes glazing over and which completely fails to draw a convincing analogy between the development and cultural mix of South Korea and the city of Seoul and k-pop generally.  Some crap about “constant reinvention” is the key analogy the author is trying to draw here but you’ll long for the author to stop wasting pages with this nonsense and start discussing what you bought the book for.

Chapter 2: What Is K-pop?

The meatiest text in the entire book is here, with the author discussing the evolution of the modern k-pop style from Seo Taiji & The Boys onward to the formation of SM, YG and JYP and beyond.  The modern idol system is discussed including the audition process and the financing involved in mounting a successful idol group is also touched on.  The unfairness and unequal income distribution of k-pop contracts is also hinted at, but only barely, and the author insists that “once a performer becomes a star, the balance of power completely changes”… which sounds like rose-coloured glasses to me.  Yeah maybe it’s true if you’re in something as big as SNSD, otherwise not so much.  Following this are some fairly lightweight interviews with Eat Your Kimchi, Kevin from ZE:A and Brian Joo from Fly To The Sky which have between four and six questions each.  I know if I got some time with any of these people for Kpopalypse Interview I’d ask a damn lot more than six questions (that’s a hint, Martina).

Chapter 3: Boy Groups

Two to four-page spreads on the following groups: BigBang, Super Junior, TVXQ, 2AM, 2PM, B.A.P., Beast, Busker Busker, CNBlue, EXO, FTIsland, Infinite, MBLAQ, SHINee, ZE:A.

Chapter 4: Girl groups

Two to four-page spreads on the following groups: Girls’ Generation, 2NE1, Wonder Girls, 4Minute, After School, Brown Eyed Girls, Davichi, f(x), KARA, miss A, Secret, Sistar, T-ara.

Chapter 5: Solo artists

Two to four-page spreads on: PSY, BoA, Jay Park, Rain, Yoon Mi-rae, IU.

Chapter 6: K-pop’s Future

Short one-paragraph entries on History, VIXX, Boys Republic, Wonder Boyz, Lee Hi, 15&, Akdong Musicians (sic), Roy Kim, Crayon Pop.

After this is some short information on traveling to Korea (because one chapter of boring travelogue bullshit that you don’t care about and can find in any travel guide anywhere if you really want that kind of thing wasn’t enough) and some acknowledgements.

And that’s it, that’s all you get.  The same author wrote the 2008 book “Pop Goes Korea“, and while I haven’t read that one, maybe he covered off more of the in-depth discussion in that book and didn’t want to revisit it too much because “Kpop Now” just doesn’t seem to have much to say – don’t come here if you want any searing insight into your favourite k-pop stars, because you won’t get it.  Any in-depth discussion of musical content is generally side-stepped, instead we get fluffy stuff like

“k-pop is overwhelmingly genuine … when a singer loves, he loves completely.  When he misses his love, it is a deep, soul-crushing ache”

Oh please.  K-pop is more brazenly the opposite of “overwhelmingly genuine” than just about any musical style I can think of.  If it’s genuine about only one thing, it’s only about how incredibly artificially constructed it all is.  An author who looks even older (and balder) than me shouldn’t be writing like a 13 year old fangirl buying into the insipid lyrical bullshit, and yes his picture is on the inside rear dust cover.  At least I have the decency to use pictures of Eunjung in my blog as a substitute for my own ugly bald head.

Other notable aspects of the book include:

• Brown Eyed Girls’ “Abracadabra” dance being used in PSY’s “Gentleman” is mentioned, and of course PSY is mentioned all over the place in every chapter of the book with a nauseating “golly gee whiz wasn’t he successful” tone, because there just isn’t enough writing about his videos’ YouTube performance out there.
• T-ara’s Hwayoung controversy is one of the only ones discussed in the entire book (albeit fairly rationally i.e “we’ll never know the truth but it’s a reminder that k-pop stars are human”). Meanwhile, the Open World Entertainment controversy passes by completely untouched – unforgivable, given that the book has a tone of “helping out the k-pop hopefuls” with its needless audition and travel information.
• The author obviously doesn’t give a shit about T-ara because the image captions laughably mistake Ahreum for Dani, but spare a thought for TVXQ fans who get an even rawer deal – nowhere in their own write-up does it mention their issues with SM Entertainment or even that they were once a five-member group!  JYJ fans will probably suspect SM encouraged the author to not discuss the former members at all, and they may not even be wrong – SM Entertainment are listed in the acknowledgements as one of the companies “who participated in this book”, so who knows what that really means.
• KARA’s “butt dance” for “Mr.” rates a mention, I guess the author is a KARA fapper like the rest of us, also there’s a brief discussion of the KARA contract issue.  The TVXQ controversy is referenced here but not explained, suggesting that perhaps it was in fact explained in further detail in an earlier draft of the book, adding weight to my theory that the TVXQ split was deemed “too hot to handle” and chopped out during book editing.

In summary, if you’re deep into k-pop, you’ll appreciate the pictures of your faves and the acknowledgement that an author bothering to publish a book like this provides to your interest in k-pop, but the inconsistencies in the text plus the general lightweight tone and boring fawning over PSY’s success will annoy you, plus you’ll learn almost nothing that you didn’t already know.  On the other hand, if you’re completely new to k-pop this book is actually pretty cool, a quick primer that you can read in about an hour and come away with a generally good grasp on what the style is about.  If you’re a k-pop obsessed teenager living at home with your parents there’s a good chance that if mom and dad see this book while out shopping they’ll buy it for you as a birthday or Christmas present, but to be honest it’s the kind of book that your parents would be better off reading themselves in order to understand you so perhaps if you’re in that situation you should buy it for them instead!

Final rating: 2 KARA butt dances out of 5 (3.5 if you’re new to k-pop)

Never one to shy away from the important issues surrounding k-pop, it’s time for Kpopalypse to cover an often-misunderstood and misrepresented topic of great importance – the effect of horizontal black and white stripes on boob perception.  Welcome to Kpopalypse fashion class!

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be very sick and tired of the superfluous fashion articles that appear in k-pop media.  You’ve all seen them – some lazily tossed-off article about “oooh, look what [insert idol here] wore today, wow, isn’t she so classy!”.  If these worthless articles are not just paid for by the record company to help boost the idol’s profile, they’re churned out by the media outlet simply because nothing interesting was happening that week and someone had an article quota to meet – but they’re functionally fairly useless.  If you’re into k-pop fashion (or perving at k-pop fashion), surely you want some information that you can actually use.  Don’t worry, Kpopalypse has got you covered!

Horizontal black and white stripes are often sadly avoided by many females as a fashion choice, as they have acquired a reputation for making women look fat, and women generally don’t like to look fat for some strange reason that I’ve never quite been able to figure out.  Interestingly, science has in fact shown that the reverse is true and horizontal stripes in the right proportion actually contribute to a perception of being skinnier, but we all know how allergic to science people are in this day and age.  However, all this is neither here nor there for me, as long as women have nice-looking well-proportioned boobs I don’t care that much about their weight, and horizontal black and white stripes also have the great effect of enhancing boob volume.  Therefore it’s in my best interests to promote this fashion choice and show how it can be applied in an effective manner.

For best results, there are a few rules.

Firstly, black and white are the colours to use.  Accept no substitutes.

Sunny’s assets are well-documented, yet she oddly doesn’t look all that busty here – the reason why is mainly the colour red.  To be fair, Sunny is probably already busty enough for most, but it’s worth noting that other colours don’t usually have the same pronounced effect as black on white.  The reason for black and white working better than other combinations is the high contrast between the colours – the only higher-contrast combination possible is black and yellow, but nobody wants to wear that lest they remind people of Stryper.

Gain’s blue top also doesn’t work that well for boob-enhancement, to really get any effect here the colour needs to be stripped out of the image:

That’s a slight improvement, but this leads into the second point – clothing should be tighter rather than looser for the most pronounced effect.  Horizontal stripes work for boob enhancement because they give the curves an easily traceable outline for the eye to follow, like looking at a topographical map.

Lee Hyori’s striped top is hanging just a bit too loosely here to provide any bust enhancement, because the eye doesn’t have enough information to tell the difference between the curves of her body and pockets of air hidden under her clothing.  We know it’s a bit of both, but which bit is what?

This pic of KARA’s Hara is better but it should be noted that stripes have a maximum size before they are no longer effective and this clothing nearly exceeds the limit.  As a general rule, the thinner the stripes, the more enhancement that is generated.

The right spacing of horizontal black and white stripes can make boobs come up nicely even on quickly-snapped airport paparazzi shots.

As you can see, by using a combination of very thin horizontal stripes and well-fitting clothing, sufficient boob enhancement can be generated even when working at a severe initial disadvantage.

Although purely vertical stripes convey no boob boosting properties whatsoever, combinations of horizontal and vertical stripes can work well in certain patterns to increase volume by leading the eye to important areas.

You don’t need to go all-out – as long as at least some horizontal stripes are covering the boob area, this is enough to generate the impression of boob enhancement and thus boost fap potential.

Note that the brightness of the colour white gives the illusion of volume increase by reflecting more light, therefore care should be taken to make sure that the top contains white stripes of a width equal to or thicker than the black stripes.

This picture looks good but the desired effect would be increased significantly with at least equal thickness white stripes.

Thicker white stripes on the other hand works quite well, although minimising the black stripes too much can also be a problem.  Sohee demonstrates the minimum amount of black stripes needed to still maintain a positive effect, any less black than this and the boob boosting effect is lost.

Bom’s top here is sneakily designed to portray her boobs in the best possible light by thickening the white stripes specifically around the boob area.  Good work, Bom!  Next time please get your hands and arms out of the way so we can appreciate this inspired fashion choice more, thank you.

The right combinations of stripes in the right places can be very sexually suggestive.

Jiyeon’s amazing striped top is really just subliminal instructions on how to titfuck her – not that we need any.  The phallic necklace has no doubt been carefully chosen to add to the effect!

We don’t want to go too crazy with details though.  Stripes have the effect of “leading” the eye, so it’s important to not create too much confusion by leading it in too many directions at once.

This top gets bonus points for not only being striped but also promoting cleavage, however the jagged knit patterns make the contours a little harder to follow than they would otherwise be.

It’s difficult to know where to look in the following photograph.

Too much detail can be off-putting and can distract fap because the eye doesn’t know in which direction it’s being led and becomes confused.

For group shots, straightforward horizontal lines with not too many conflicting directions and patterns is best.

Now that we’ve got the basics down, here some more examples of people doing it right.

Everyone’s favourite cao ni ma is as sick of netizen bullshit right now as the next rational person, but she’s not sick of wearing striped dresses that give her form some welcome volume.  Just as well for the rest of us!

Seohyun knows how to rock a striped top and like Sulli she also has her purse on standby just in case she needs to speed-dial security to usher out any losers not worthy of observing this hotness.

I’d pop my crayons all over this great striped top given the opportunity.  Don’t tell her I said that, I don’t have the money to hire a bomb disposal expert to defuse the C4 she’d probably get one of her minions to attach to my car.

Zinger might not be my fave in Secret but she knows how to work with what she’s got.  On top of the stripes, super-sized accessorising is a good way to bring extra attention to important areas.

Nana is known for not being particularly busty but her extra volume in this striped top meant that even Son Dambi couldn’t resist going for the grope.  Look how happy she is about molesting Nana.

This photo of Davichi isn’t great quality sadly and it’s also not a great pose for perving but it’s the best striped-top photo that I could find.  Hopefully some avid researcher will turn up more photos of Minkyung in this clothing and the fapgods will smile warmly.

I’ll leave you now with this great CF featuring Raina that I’ve posted before but here it is again anyway because it’s relevant to the topic at hand.

Hopefully you’ve all learned something from this post, whether it be how to dress to present maximum boob volume with casual clothes, what to buy your girlfriend as a clothing gift, or just what a colossal pervert Kpopalypse is.  In any event I hope you’ve been entertained, and let me know what you’d like to see next on Kpopalypse fashion class!

So Red Velvet’s new song came out and Kpopalypse doesn’t give a flying fuck.  Why?

1. It sounds like miss A’s “Breathe“, which I thought was shit.
2. I’m too busy fapping to the debut by nugus 4Ladies who have a much better song AND a better MV.

I’m sure every blog out there is going to have a 4Ladies review, given the sheer amount of tears being generated from fangirls thanks to the video director taking the sexual content to the next level in k-pop or whatever the fuck you want to call two women doing this sort of tame, coy stuff:

Hey it takes special tactics to be noticed when your nugu group debuts in the same week as SM’s new girl group and naturally I’m all for it.  Of course, you can’t tell people shit – whenever something like this happens, all the armchair feminists come out to play, throwing around stupid terms that they only half-understand.  Some of you have noticed that the latest round of tears from k-pop liking pseudo-feminist dickheads has been infused with a term called “the male gaze” so I thought I’d take a little time out of my fap schedule to explain exactly what the fucking fuck that means to prepare you to deal with the onslaught of complete bullshit that you’ll soon be reading in every 4Ladies article.

Head deep enough into any comments section about the 4Ladies video and you’ll see people talking about “the male gaze”, like it’s something more tragic and depressing than the Sewol Ferry and Fukushima combined.  But what the fuck is “the male gaze”, anyway, and why do people care so much?

“The male gaze” is a term that comes from 1970s film and visual media theory.  The basic idea is that because heterosexual men control the cameras and cinematography, women tend to be the ones being looked at, rather than the ones doing the looking.  Therefore when you’re watching film where this is happening, it’s like you’re seeing the film through a male perspective, even if you’re not male, thus defining maleness as “the norm” and anything else as “the other”.  If you’ve got half a brain in your head, you’ve already worked out what’s wrong with this theory – it assumes that if you’re female you’re such a fucking dopey wallflower and the gaze of the camera is so powerful that it actually takes precedence over the thoughts inside your own head.  So the entire “male gaze” theory is actually really insulting to women straight off the bat, it’s basically telling you that you’re a stupid bitch who is easily tricked by pretty colours and flashing lights like a kitten chasing a laser pointer into a toilet bowl.

Let’s look at some examples of “the male gaze”.  Here’s k-pop singer Son Dam Bi.

You’re a heterosexual guy at a rooftop party and Son Dam Bi is there, she’s looking hot in her red dress.  Nervous but determined (can I ever use that word again with a straight face?), you pluck up your courage, introduce yourself and buy her a drink.  Far from being cold or standoffish, she’s warm and receptive.  You get talking to her, she’s a nice girl and you’re starting to get along.  Hopes are high that this might go further.  After an hour of polite conversation, you’re really hitting it off.  She bends over and whispers in your ear “come with me”.  She takes you by the hand away from the main bar, through a stairwell and up to a secluded balcony.  It’s just you and her, above the traffic.  She looks into your eyes with an expression that says “it’s your move”.

Here’s another Son Dam Bi pic.

It’s late and you’ve taken Son Dam Bi back to your apartment after a night out on the town.  She’s still in her evening dress as she carefully removes her earrings and jewelry.  She looks ravishing and you’re not intending to wait any longer.  You approach her from behind, she sees you in the bathroom mirror and turns around, expecting your warm hands on her back as you gently move to embrace her.

According to feminist visual media theory, these are easily-explained classic “male gaze” presentations.  This is you, a heterosexual male, looking at Son Dam Bi, at precisely that moment when you’re just about to make your move.  Or is it?

Keenly observant readers may have noticed some carefully hidden text in the above images that gives a clue to their origins – see if you can find it.  That’s right you fucking sneaky detective cao ni mas, these images are from a photo shoot for Marie Claire magazine.  If you know anything about Marie Claire magazine at all, you’ll know that it’s a magazine mainly devoted to fashion, and aimed at women. According to the magazine’s own statistics, their readership is predominantly female with a male-to-female readership of just under 1:8.  The 1:8 ratio of male-female readers also correlates with another interesting factoid – recent statistical studies show that the ratio of “heterosexual” to “non-heterosexual” people on the planet is also hovering at around 1:8 so it may not be an incorrect assumption to say that the magazine’s slim male readership may be predominantly gay.  So why is this “male gaze” stuff in there if only women and gay guys care about Marie Claire?  Is it because Marie Claire is part of the oppressive patriciachal system that is conspiring to keep women down?

No, you dickhead.  The reason why is because it’s not really there at all.  It’s just a figment of crazy feminists’ imaginations, who act as if people looking at them is some kind of assault on their bodies instead of just normal human behaviour that humans of all genders and sexual persuasions engage in, plus typical k-pop fans who read too much into everything as always.  It’s a fashion magazine, it’s the clothing that is of interest to the readership in these pictures.  When fangirls get hold of images like these, confirmation bias is at work – if you want to see a porn scenario in these pictures, you will.  On the other hand, if you want to see fashion modelling, you’ll see that instead.  I shadily put inviting heterosexual fap scenarios under each picture to bend the bias inside your head to the way that I wanted you to think because I’m a sneaky cao ni ma too, but the cold hard fact is that Son Dam Bi probably just happens to be on a balcony because the photographer thought that it would be a good spot to take a photo.  If you read more into it than that – great, if not, they hope that you at least will read the magazine and find out where you can get that dress she’s wearing.

“But what about 4Ladies”, I hear you ask “surely they’re just there for the guys to fap to?  Isn’t that “the male gaze”?

Who says it has to be?  If you’re a woman, is you perception of what you’re seeing so weak and wallflowery and threatened that you have to defer your subconscious to what a guy sees?  Is that a problem for you?  Is it an issue that we’re looking at girls and not guys?  Here’s JYJ’s Jaejoong, in a photo that could be of any man in any k-pop group, but I’ve used him because I felt sorry for JYJ being left out of that book I reviewed not long ago:

Is it weird for me as a heterosexual guy to look at Jaejoong with his shirt off?  Only if I’m so weak-minded that I let it bother me.  If girls want to fap to this, I think that’s cool, because fapping is for everyone.

K-pop fans who complain about “the male gaze” are generally fine about “the female gaze”, which is equally catered to in k-pop, by… every single male group out there in k-pop.  You can see plenty of fanservicey action of guys doing stuff to each other onstage for the pleasure of the predominantly female audience which far outstrips the honestly fairly coy groping and grinding of 4Ladies’ debut video, and the boys do lots of photoshoots for their fans too.  But wait…

Is it really “the female gaze” when this photo of Jay Park is for Men’s Health magazine, a publication as squarely and unashamedly aimed at men as the title suggests?  Maybe the photo is arguably “female-gazey” in the imaginations of fangirls, and I could write a scenario about how you, a young fangirl dating Jay Park the man of your dreams, have just interrupted his outdoor gym activity for some cuddle time, to help lead your brain in that direction if I wanted.  However the reality is probably that the photographer just wanted a clear shot of his upper body with his arms up so Men’s Health readers could see in an unobstructed way how unbelievably fit he is, so they said “grab that pole over there and look at the camera”.  So once again, it’s not all about you, you wacky sniveling fangirls.

I couldn’t give a fuck either way anyway.  I’m fine with both “the male gaze” and “the female gaze” whether it exists or not outside of my own personal bias and perception.  I’m one of these crazy radical people who thinks that people of any gender should be able to look at each other and enjoy the experience of both doing the looking and of being looked at.  Wow, imagine that.

So given that this is all completely normal human behaviour why do k-pop fans bring up “the male gaze” like it’s some big issue?  Well, they’re misogynistic idiots who hate women, and as a way for them to engage in their favourite sport which is criticising women in k-pop, it’ll do.  (Yes, a lot of them are women themselves, but you don’t have to be male to be a misogynist.)  So as per usual, feminism is being used by jealous women to promote attacks against other women more attractive/successful than them, which seems to me to be exactly the opposite of what feminism is trying to achieve on a broader scale, things like:

• Women getting paid the same as men for doing the same work at the same competency level
• Equal access to opportunities for career choice, career advancement, leisure, etc
• Being able to walk down a street without some fuckhead trying to rape or kill you
• The same access to choice in the sexual sphere that guys have
• Freedom from some perverted nutbag trying to cut your clit off because they’re stupid enough to take completely literally everything in some religious book that was written hundreds of years ago back when women were considered to have the same amount of human rights as a donkey

I’m cool with all that stuff, and if that’s what feminism is, call me a feminist. However I’m not cool with:

• Preventing sexually explicit art/performance/fashion/activity
• Censorship of politically incorrect (or any other) speech
• Anti-pornography
• Morally conservative bullcrap like telling women that it’s their responsiblity to cover their skin up so guys don’t rape them
• Nitpicking at other women and tearing them down because they’re more successful than you

If you look at the two lists above, you’ll notice a pattern.  Everything in the first list is all about trying to open access up and give women more choices about what they can do so they can be successful and stand on an even footing with men.  Everything in the second list is about trying to close off access to things and to say to people “you can’t say/do/think/fap to that because that’s not what feminism is”.  So in summary I support feminism that gives people more options and ways to experience and enjoy life, but I don’t support feminism that tries to lay down draconian rules in attempts to restrict people into running their lives according to some stupid fucking moral code.  Sadly, most people who follow k-pop only give a shit about the second type of feminism, and that’s why I don’t give a shit about them.  Here’s another GIF of 4Ladies, because my “male gaze” needs a workout.  All heterosexual men please cast your sexual-oppression-beams this way.

Maybe if we all stare hard enough our oppressive “male gaze” eyebeams will disintegrate their clothing.  We won’t know until we try.

I’ve recently written blogs about k-pop’s “sexy concepts” and also about “cute concepts“, and the non-existent differences between them, because everybody is so fucking fascinated by these topics.  Now I’ve been alerted to a new contender on the k-pop scene: “classy sexy” concepts.

What the fuck even is “classy sexy”?  Is it even a real thing?  Does it exist in k-pop?  Does anybody care?  Well, I care, because the word “sexy” is in there, so therefore time to investigate!

So being basically a scumbag I freely acknowledge that I’ve got no fucking class at all and therefore I have no fucking idea what the fuck “classy” really means.  So I looked it up:

Doesn’t sound like any shit that I’m familiar with, except maybe “smart” but then maybe I’m just more of a “smart ass” which probably isn’t what they meant as “classy”.  Then I remembered that I have a completely classy girlfriend, so I asked her “what does classy sexy mean to you?”.  She said the following:

Classy sexy is looking sexy without looking like a slut.  Flashing some flesh, but still giving a tease.  Something like a dress or skirt with a zip on the side, that you can zip up and reveal stockings and suspenders, now that’s classy sexy.

I think this will sound instantly familiar to any fan of k-pop girls groups, especially those who have been following 2014’s “war of the sexy concepts”.

My girlfriend doesn’t like or follow k-pop and wouldn’t even know who Ace Of Angels are, so this is a totally unbiased opinion from someone who truly does not give one solitary fuck about ANY k-pop at all.  She cares about it so little that she wouldn’t even waste her time posting on the Internet about how little she gives a shit.  However. according to her tastes, AOA have got “classy sexy” covered, and this is coming from someone who hasn’t actually seen AOA’s “Miniskirt” video.

Imagine her surprise when I told her:

It’s interesting that you mention this specifically, because the exact idea that you’re describing as ‘classy sexy’ is actually considered by the k-pop world to be right on the cutting edge of sluttiness

Those with memories longer than a goldfish may remember that AOA’s “Miniskirt” routine was considered so hot when it was released that the company toned down their choreography in response to k-pop fans being the usual hypocritical misogynistic fun-ruining pieces of shit that they are.  Obviously there’s a difference of opinion between the normal sexually well-adjusted person and the more idiotic fantasy-driven nutcases that make up part of k-pop’s legions of avid followers.  So what does “classy sexy” actually mean to k-pop fans?

I did some research on people’s opinions and here’s what I got:

• A member of Brown Eyed Girls getting her clothes torn off and fucked up against a wall in the Abracadabra video is “classy” but Girl’s Day dancing with a little bit of tame hip-wiggling that wouldn’t even raise eyebrows on Sesame Street is “perverted”, okay then
• Another vote for BEG’s Gain being fucked up against a wall as “classier” than just about everything else in k-pop
• BEG’s whole output is sexy and classy but AOA, Girl’s Day and Dal Shabet are not – male Soompi writer donate your cock and balls to science because you’re clearly not using them
• BEG are so classy-sexy that even Gain getting raped in a video is classy sexy
• Allkpop have no fucking idea what they’re talking about as per usual, and waffle incoherently about performers owning their sexuality or some crap which is laughable given that the girls are just told what to fucking do by some guy in a suit backstage counting the money
• Let’s hear it again for Gain getting her clothes torn off in a BDSM-themed video as some real classy shit
• This writer prefixes his ideas about “classy sexy” with “some people believe” because he’s too scared to own his own opinions on the issue – at least he links lots of hot fappable videos, including the Gain rape one, oh my well played sir
• This writer says AOA and Girl’s Day make the grade as “classy sexy” but not Rainbow Blaxxx or Dal Shabet because they do too many sexy moves within a certain timeframe, I’ve no doubt he has his stopwatch in one hand tallying all this, hey I wonder what the other hand is doing
• Someone who doesn’t give a fuck – bravo!
• Did I mention that Gain getting fucked up against a wall is not just hot, but classy and even “artistic”?

So the girls of AOA dancing in slinky dresses showing a little bit of skin, that is definitely not cool with most k-pop fans, way too provocative, tsk tsk.  However what k-pop fans really want to see is Gain getting slammed up against walls and guys forcing themselves on her, and lots of it, they definitely don’t have a problem with this and in fact wholeheartedly approve of it.  So these next few images are for them – please enjoy this short gallery of Brown Eyed Girls’ Gain.

A lot of the above linked posts talk about women “owning their sexuality” as a classy thing, and I think that’s an interesting observation that is repeated throughout many of the linked posts about Brown Eyed Girls, stuff like this:

there is an obscene amount of hip thrusts and crawling – but do I feel embarrassed for these women? Heck no! Because they aren’t trying too hard or trying to force it – they are owning every move

Let’s just ignore for the moment how this person is exactly defining “owning every move” and how many leaps of logic and how much confirmation bias that involves.  Call me crazy, but when I think of girls “owning their sexuality” I don’t think about fantasy depictions of them being raped.  Instead, when I think about exclusively “owned” sexuality by anybody male or female I think about fapping – after all, what sexuality is more “owned” by you than something that you do by yourself, for yourself?  So it follows that if “owning sexuality” is classy then masturbation is now the most “classy sexy” activity to me.  Of course Gain went down the implied fap path as well in the “Bloom” video, but that was just for the cameras.  What about the girls who are fapping when the cameras are not rolling?  Who’s the most likely culprit, and thus the real “classy-sexy” k-pop performer?

I’ve found the answer, and predictably, she’s in T-ara.

When I posted this image of Jiyeon from the “horizontal stripes” post, I was wondering at the time “what the fuck is that necklace all about, is that just a little metal rod to emphasize her tits some more or what?” – so naturally being an inquisitive sort I did some research.

As it turns out, that little dangly thing between her boobs is probably called a Vesper and it’s actually a prototype vibrator. It’s designed to hang around the neck as discreet jewelry that you can wear out and about.

Sure, Jiyeon’s version does look a little different to these, but being a celebrity she probably got given the early test model or something so she could put the technology through its paces before they went into consumer production.  The company claim that since 2010 they have “assembled a strong team of …  quality assurance testers“… right about the time T-ara started to really become huge.  Coincidence?

Doubtful.  The company are now currently making the first consumer versions of the Vesper and they describe the device as “elegant-yet-functional”, and if you scroll back to the top of this post you’ll notice that “elegant” is just a synonym for “classy”.  This means that T-ara’s Jiyeon is now confirmed as the official Kpopalypse ambassador for “classy sexy”.  Whatever that is.

People want to know if Kpopalypse supports either 2NE1’s Park Bom or A.KOR’s Kemy in the latest hilarious k-pop drama, and which side they should choose. This post has the answers!

Here’s a quick recap of the situation for those unfamiliar:

So now that we’re all up to speed, here’s what I think of the situation.  Because the Park Bom/Kemy controversy is very multi-faceted and there’s a lot to cover, we’re going to let them both battle it out in several different areas and allocate Kpopalypse approval points, then tally the results up for our final answer.  Let’s get started!

KPOPALYPSE BATTLE – PARK BOM VS KEMY

ROUND 1: DRUGS

Kemy:

Is anti-drugs: +1

Doesn’t smuggle drugs: +1

Bom:

Is anti-drugs: +1

Smuggles drugs: -1

WINNER OF ROUND 1: KEMY

Kemy doesn’t smuggle drugs, or at least hasn’t been caught yet, so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt – for now.

Total so far – Kemy: 2 Bom: 0

*

ROUND 2: RAP CREDIBILITY

Kemy:

Can rap: +1

Is anti-drugs: -1

Promotes punishment for non law-abiding citizens: -1

Bom:

Can’t rap: -1

Doesn’t try: +1

WINNER OF ROUND 2: BOM

Kemy can rap nice, but racks up negative rap cred by telling Park Bom off for doing drugs and not being in jail yet.  Tsk tsk – everybody knows that rappers should be championing frequent drug use and disrespect for the law at all times.  Someone needs to tie Kemy down and make her listen to NWA and Cypress Hill, stat.  (And don’t come here waving around any of that “conscious rap” stuff, that music is all by fuckheads, for fuckheads.)  So as a result, Bom has more rap cred by default despite never having dropped a single rap on anything, anywhere.

Total so far – Kemy: 1 Bom: 0

*

ROUND 3: FASHION

Kemy:

Wears a Star Wars T-shirt in some of her few promo pics: +1

It’s for Attack Of The Clones (fitting analogy for k-pop though, no?): -1

Bom:

Occasional boob-enhancing horizontal stripes: +1

Most other outfits by Jeremy Scott: -1

NO CLEAR WINNER

It’s enough to give you nightmares, the shit these people wear.

Total so far – Kemy: 1 Bom: 0

*

ROUND 4: FAP

Kemy:

Meets required standards: +1

Probably plastic as fuck: -1

Who cares though, can still fap: +1

Bom:

Meets required standards: +1

Definitely plastic as fuck: -1

Who cares though, can still fap: +1

NO CLEAR WINNER

I can fap to either in the rare instances that they are wearing something acceptable.

Total so far – Kemy: 2 Bom: 1

*

ROUND 5: MUSIC

Kemy:

Kemy’s solo mixtape raps sound good, or at least a lot better than CL: +1

A.KOR’s debut song “Payday” is just a below-average clone of 2NE1 at their peak: -1

Still, it’s better than anything 2NE1 themselves have done since “Scream”: +1

Bom:

Has sung on several iconic 2NE1 songs: +1

Pity that none of them are recent: -1

WINNER OF ROUND 5: KEMY

A.KOR may be nothing special right now but so far they’ve mercifully avoided performing something as ear-shreddingly awful as “Do You Love Me”, “Missing You” or anything off 2NE1’s “Crush” album.  Sure, it’s early days yet – when they start trotting out the shithouse album filler ballads they may lose the higher ground here, but Kemy is safely in front for the moment.

Total so far – Kemy: 3 Bom: 1

*

ROUND 6: NETIZENS

Kemy:

Korean netizens mostly like her: -1

International netizens mostly hate her: +1

Bom:

Korean netizens mostly hate her: +1

International netizens mostly like her: -1

NO CLEAR WINNER

Both are catching lots of juicy netizen butthurt, from different places, in roughly equal quantities.  To tip the scales, one of them needs to step up their game and do something extra-special to be hated globally.  Crossing my fingers.

Total so far – Kemy: 3 Bom: 1

*

ROUND 7: FANS

Kemy:

A.KOR fans seem to be quite sensible and rational: +1

All three of them: -1

Bom:

Has lots of fans: +1

Mostly barking mad lunatics: -1

NO CLEAR WINNER

What’s worse, no fans or crazy zergling fans?  Flip a coin.

Total so far – Kemy: 3 Bom: 1

*

ROUND 8: ATTITUDE

Kemy:

Hilariously dissed Park Bom for attention: +1

Hasn’t apologised (despite fake reports to the contrary): +1

Label released yellow-bellied weak-as-piss statement: -1

Bom:

Hasn’t said shit: +1

Doesn’t need to: +1

WINNER OF ROUND 8: BOM

Just because I understand the corporate reasoning behind A.KOR’s label Republic Doo being a bunch of pathetic fucking pussies doesn’t mean that I have to like it.  The more k-pop labels pander to the whims of spoiled brats, the more spoiled brats will learn that complaining gets them what they want, like a lab rat learning to push a button that releases food.  Labels need to learn to STFU… but they probably won’t.

Total so far – Kemy: 4 Bom: 3

*

ROUND 9: ENTERTAINMENT

Kemy:

Hilariously smart rapping dissecting Park Bom and YG verbally: +1

Hilariously dumb death threats from Blackjacks all over her label’s social media: +1

Bom:

Butthurt from vocalfags who don’t understand why people like to listen to her sing: +1

Butthurt from armchair anti-drug activists: +1

Butthurt from armchair plastic surgery protestors: +1

WINNER OF ROUND 9: BOM

Kemy has generated an admirable quantity of hate from Internet douchebags in a short timeframe but Bom is still one of the true masters at the game of extreme extended butthurt delivery.  Even if Kemy’s current impressive speeds of butthurt-generation are maintained it’s still going to take Kemy a while to catch up to Bom’s years-long legacy of giving k-pop fans the shits.

FINAL SCORE – Kemy: 6 Bom: 6

CONCLUSION

Park Bom and Kemy are both awesome and I can’t give up either.  I particularly enjoyed Kemy’s ability to make Blackjacks embarrass themselves by writing shitty laughable response raps, and Bom’s continual ability to annoy absolutely fucking everybody just by breathing in air is something I’ll always admire and aspire to.  Why k-pop fans allow themselves to get so easily annoyed about either of them I don’t know, but fuck it’s funny.  Kpopalypse shall continue to support both Bom and Kemy’s right to irritate all the rest of you.

Welcome readers, to another episode of…

This time Kpopalypse is interviewing Sarah Wolfgang, formerly of k-pop girl group Tahiti!

A few months ago, Sarah Wolfgang’s Reddit AmA (“ask me anything”) caught my attention.  Sarah, also known as Hanhee, was in the k-pop group Tahiti during their training days, but didn’t stick with the group long enough to debut with them.  Sarah’s revelations about her time in Tahiti were refreshingly honest and candid, you can read more about them here, but most of it was stuff that I already either knew for sure from my own industry experiences elsewhere and/or had figured out through casual observation:

• Training in a k-pop group is seriously hard work like you can’t imagine
• Money distribution is awful for the performers
• Almost everyone who is an idol has plastic surgery
• Groups inevitably have internal politics and members who get ostracised
• Idol diets suck the big one (well, maybe the small one – the big one would be too fattening)

I thought to myself “here’s someone not afraid to tell it how it really is, this person would probably make a good interview subject” and I also had quite a few extra questions of my own so I got in touch and spent the next couple of months exchanging emails where I asked her about various aspects of herself, Tahiti, and the k-pop music scene in general.  Enjoy!

Hi!  How are you?  Answer in as much or as little detail as applicable.

I’m doing great. Just moved out to LA, and although life is certainly a lot more difficult, it’s been an experience I could have never achieved else wise.

Great to hear!  In what way do you find that living in LA is more difficult than Korea?

Korea is a great place to live if you have a) money or b) something that you do really well (ex. speak English to teach it, underground dance for a living). LA has been pretty hard on me because job hunting has been pretty hard… no degree – limited jobs.

Anyone from LA reading, let’s help Sarah out!  Put job referrals in the comments below!

Haha, thanks.

I wanted to ask a bit about the process that led you into being part of a k-pop group.  What was the initial drive that made you want to enter that industry?

I never imagined myself entering into the K-pop industry. As a matter of fact, I always dreamt of being an actress. I started acting from a very young age and it has always been my passion. I first auditioned for my company for an acting gig. That later turned into me signing with my company to use K-pop as a mere stepping stone into my acting career.

How did that transformation occur, from wanting to act, to deciding to pursue singing first?

I don’t think the transformation occurred as quickly as it probably should have. I signed with my company to use K-pop as a stepping stone to get into the acting world of Korea. I, of course, set the acting aside to focus on my K-pop career. I don’t think it was until I actually left the company that I realized I had formed a drive to want to pursue music.

How much of a realistic option do you think it is, in retrospect, to use k-pop as a stepping stone to acting in Korea?  Did you see it work for others, or do you think is it simply not viable except for those at the very top tiers?

I think it’s quite possible. The Korean entertainment industry never has to do with talent. It has to do with a) whether or not your company can pay to support your fame or b) whether or not you’re in high demand because your company already went through route a.

I mean there is the occasional actor/artist that spends years under the light (usually without a company) that may be very talented… but it’s the actual entertainment agency that helps anyone actually see any light or fame.

Sarah Wolfgang, during training

I read that you didn’t end up debuting with Tahiti, but you were on a “sitcom style reality TV show” during the training period.  Can you describe what that experience was like?

I recorded the first album and left midway through the production. I did, however, stay through the entire recording of the reality show. It was definitely a once in a lifetime experience! We went through the whole process of waking up super early, going to the hair and make up artist, and waiting our turns to be filmed.

Can you describe the album recording process that you experienced?

It started off with us hearing an instrumental with a guide (nonsense words) being recorded on top of it. We listened to it many times, over and over again. We then got lyrics a few weeks after. We memorized them and were brought into a recording studio. We each took turns going in and recording for the parts that were given to us. If one didn’t do well, then someone else would be given the part… and so on.

How much of your own vocal part eventually made it onto Tahiti feature tracks such as “Tonight“, or were those parts overdubbed by other girls?

I’m not exactly sure as to how much made it on the actual album as a lot of the voices were altered.

Do you follow or keep track of Tahiti’s group activities since you left the group out of curiosity, nostalgia or any other reasons?

Are you aware of their current musical output?

I see updates once in a while on my twitter feed. I am still twitter friends with a lot of them.

The next set of questions aren’t about yourself, your group or company specifically, but just about things that you may have observed during your experiences.  Firstly, what do you think is the biggest misconception about the world of k-pop that someone just entering the industry might have?

A lot of the things happen behind hidden walls… It’s hard to understand anything fully without actually having gone through it. I think the biggest misconception that a lot of people have when entering the industry might be that things will progress smoothly. Although hard work is definitely one of the things everyone expects, it goes beyond what anyone could ever imagine.

Sarah Wolfgang, during training

There are many stories about artists being very overworked and some of them having only 2 hours sleep per night.  Do you believe that this is a common situation that people in groups may experience?

I think it’s different with each company. I can’t say for sure, but some things are usually blown out of proportion to seem appealing on the news. From my experience, I’ve been through only one day where we didn’t even get any hours of sleep (due to the MTV shooting 2 days in a row). But most of the days we’d get 4 plus hours of sleep depending on what our schedule was like.

One thing I’m curious about with idols that is rarely discussed is drug use, and I don’t just mean illegal recreational drugs but also legal and performance-enhancing drugs.  I know from personal experience in the western music industry that drugs are absolutely everywhere.  I won’t ask about your specific group, but just going on what you may have heard during your time in the business, do you think it’s a different situation in Korea, or more similar to the west than people realise?

All drugs are illegal in Korea. As far as I know, they are really hard to come by. And even if you’re lucky enough.. they’d cost a lot of money. I’ve heard of certain k-pop groups using drugs (strictly through media) but I’ve never encountered it first hand.

Looking at media representation of what life is like for idol groups, what are the things that you think that the k-pop media get right?  Also, what do you think they most often get horribly wrong?

I think the biggest thing they get wrong is that life as a k-pop artist, or even a trainee, is super glamourous. It really doesn’t get glamorous until you’re about 4 years in… One thing that they do get right is, k-pop artists (even though I don’t enjoy calling them artists) do work very hard to perform.

Obviously k-pop performers aren’t “artists”, I prefer to liken the performer to a “crafter” who is assisting to craft the artistic vision of someone else, or a group of people, behind the scenes. It’s the difference between a bricklayer and an architect.

Exactly!

Do you think this is an accurate perception?

The only thing different would be that when it comes to buildings, the architect takes most of the credit… as where in K-pop, the group takes more of the credit.

How aware of the opinions and buzz of their own companies’ media are people undergoing training in a k-pop company?

For trainees, most of the time… they’re cut off from the outside world – no phone, no internet.

In your experience, are comments by the general public and/or fans on news articles noticed and/or considered important by the performers, or their companies?  How much influence do you think such comments have?

I’m not sure, I think companies take suggestions/comments seriously to improve the group.

Do performers get any kind of education in avoiding controversy or controversial statements/opinions, or “cultural sensitivity” training for dealing with media and fanbases in other countries?

I think it really depends on the company. I never received any training for dealing with media/fanbases in other countries. I do think that with the amount of diversity there is in K-pop now, cultural sensitivity is dealt with within it’s members.

I know you’re not into k-pop, musically.  Name some favourite artists that inspire you or that you enjoy the work of – any genre.

I love Jazzhop. My favorite artists include Kero One, Nujabes, Shirosky, Re:Plus, and DJ Okiwari.

Sarah Wolfgang, during training

I’m aware that k-pop trainees and new groups don’t make a lot of money, plus they get heavily into debt.  I’ve heard of people working second jobs just to get by.  Did you meet or hear of people who had to take up outside extra-curricular activities to generate income, and if so, what did they do?  And how did they find the time?